Another ball drops (“Why is it just one?” our boys like to ask) and 2014 is here at last. And is it ever going to be a good year! In fact, 2014 will be a record-breaking, no-holds-barred first-class kickass whammin’ jammin’ funfest. And you know how I know that? Because it’s the year of the Leather Jacket.
A leather jacket is one of those you don’t know how badly you want until you have one. It’s a style fantasy come true; a guilty pleasure, especially for us animal rights activists. And this particular jacket was all that and more: it was free.
Mr. W and I had business in the next town south yesterday, and as we rolled down our street, the Mr. said, “That looks like a leather jacket on the sidewalk.”
“You want to stop and take a look?”
He shook his head. “If it’s still there on our return trip, we’ll stop.” And we motored on.
On the way home, we rolled by it again. “Go on, you know you want to,” I said, and pushed him out of the car (we were stopped at the time, fortunately.)
It also didn’t smell too good, but to paraphrase the immortal words of “Christmas Vacation’s” Uncle Eddie, “If you don’t mind, Clark, I’d like to try to fumigate this here garment. It’s a good quality piece of clothing.”
I tried it on and the fit was perfect, if my arms were only about four inches longer. And I thought I looked pretty damn good, the holiday season’s “turbo nacho” excesses notwithstanding.
So it was a great start to the year. And in the fine W family tradition, today’s adventure involved a long drive, a big hike and Hershey’s Special Dark chocolate – which now can be had with almonds, as if 2014 wasn’t already fabulous enough! Well, I have to say that this proposed adventure wasn’t met with any more enthusiasm that it ever was in 2013. In fact, our youngest, operating from the mistaken belief that not just professing to be carsick but producing actual vomit would somehow excuse him from the hike, managed to negotiate a more favorable seat up front where the upholstery is Scotch-guarded.
But once we were out of the car and on the trail, the beauty and serenity of the majestic forest was a balm to our souls. As we hiked through lush fern-filled canyons as old as time itself, Mr. W and I lagged behind our children, exchanging misty glances and occasionally holding hands. How wonderful it was to be starting another year together, experiencing that mirroring of thought and emotion that only comes after decades together.
Here, in fact, are our actual thoughts:
Me: “What a great start to the year. So many possibilities. Maybe we can get away for a romantic weekend this year and the boys won’t burn the house down. Who would have guessed Mr. W would turn out to be such a nurturing and sensitive guy? I just thought he had great calves. And he looks hot in sweat pants. I’m a lucky woman.”
Mr. W: “This is the year that rebuild is going to stick. I’m a little troubled about exhaust stud number two. Maybe I should have insisted the machine shop rebore it. No, I’m sure it’ll be okay if I just baby the motor through the break-in period. And I’ll switch to high-octane. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. You #%$%@# get what you pay for.”
See? Two minds that function as one!
Well, it wouldn’t be a new year without the traditional New Year’s List. So here goes:
What Your Cat Can Teach You in 2014
1. It isn’t a party until someone horks a hairball onto the Oriental rug.
2. Even the softest lap can be improved by kneading.
3. The God-given ability to lick one’s own genitalia should never be taken for granted.
5. When you start the year with a clean, fresh litterbox, the possibilities are endless.
6. If one’s litterbox doesn’t appeal, the fluffy new bath mat makes an effective substitute.
8. Curling up in a patch of sunlight is not indolence; it’s a moral imperative.
9. Contrary to popular belief, it is sometimes necessary to bite the hand that feeds you.
And last but not least:
Happy New Year!